im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
