if i can run in heels then i can drive
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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