everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We were destined to go to rehab together
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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