is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
