I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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