I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
