why didn't you poke me back
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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