My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize