Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
