I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
