I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
