Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
