It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
