I cockslap morals
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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