im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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