I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
How external is "for external use only"?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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