my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
