I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Randomize