So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
