I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It was confusing and full of hummus
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
