i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
