I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
