just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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