my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
