I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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