All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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