I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
