i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
