Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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