Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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