i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
