We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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