New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
