he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize