Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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