watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
