I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize