the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
one might say we're banned from that church
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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