I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize