wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
