i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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