david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
