he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
