Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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