the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
