90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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