i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize