Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
