whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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