There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
