those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
