i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
