I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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