apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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