I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
