i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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