thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
