I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
