WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
