i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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