i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize