the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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