1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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